I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
