I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
