If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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