Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
