Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
