wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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