i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
