There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
