We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
