party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
