You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
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I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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