So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
