After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
