I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
