oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
