:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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