Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
