The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
