Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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