If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Randomize
