Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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