I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
