i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
