I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
