So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
