so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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