i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
