does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
