I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
