The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
