Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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