does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
