I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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