My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
