i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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