By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
