When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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