she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
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i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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