i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
