so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
no more duck duck goose at the bar
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
