my soul wont recognize me after tonight
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
