apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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