1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
