my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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