Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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