I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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