I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
