Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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