omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
