it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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