I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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