I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
