so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
