Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
