saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
