that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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