my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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